My life has never been the same since July 27, 2010.

A year ago, I woke up a different person.

I never knew what was next in my life. My whole life something was always happening. Whether I lost a family member, a friend, was diagnosed with an incurable chronic illness, then another shortly months after. I really never knew what was in front of me. 
But, one year ago today I did the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I said, yes, to Dustin Breakfield when he asked if I’d be his girlfriend. Nothing could have ever prepared for me for how he was going to change my life. Because 6 days later our relationship was tested. I lost my second best friend to suicide. Dustin held my hand while I screamed at God… Dustin held me while I shook because I never thought I’d feel this way after Briana. I always thought Jake would be there. Dustin has always remembered the date that Jake died. August 2, 2010. He never forgot a month. Everyday on the 2nd he would do everything he could to make those days tolerable.

Dustin always knows what to say to me. He knows how to tell when I don’t feel well that day. He holds me up to walk when I can’t some days. He writes for me when I can’t use my hands. He holds me when I feel like I have lost my mind because of this stupid syndrome(s). I’ve watched people walk out of my life because they didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I am sick. Sick with something that doesn’t always make me feel social. But, for one year, Dustin has been there through it all. While I cry about friends lost, people gone, family trouble, school, the fact that I have this horrible sickness. He sings to me to sleep when the only thing I could do was cry because of the pain. Dustin has been my rock for the last 365 days. I really quite honestly don’t know where I’d be if he wasn’t here. 
And I don’t ever plan to figure out what life would be without him.

I love you so much, Dustin Cole Breakfield. You’re my forever

Who spends fourth of July with people anyway?

As I sat at home on the fourth of July tonight, eating my lactose-free ice cream, watching Switched at Birth on ABC Family, I wondered what my boyfriend was doing, what my friends were doing, so on so forth. The rain has set in this week and rain for some awful reason makes my fibro worse. Flare up, more than usual, if you will. And I was thinking about last fourth of July when I was sitting with my friend, Trent watching fireworks until late and then went on an all night adventure with my other friend, Jake, I couldn't help but think... what is so different about this year? Whats different is the fact that my fibro is worse than ever these days it seems and my "friends" have all sort of well, disappeared, since September when it starting getting worse. They didn't all fade at once, but overtime they did. Whether they have met new friends who can do things all the time whenever they want to, or a significant other who they are completely wrapped up in, or the fact that they just can't understand why I feel so bad most of the time now. It occurred to me. This is NOT my fault I've gotten worse and why aren't they there for me? It mad me so mad thinking about this. Why are my friends not there for me? Why don't they try to understand? I see their post on facebook, on tumblr. The pictures the post on various social networks and things that I can openly see and they know that. I get a text from a few of them once or twice a week asking how I am and what I've been up to. And I now I think, why do you even bother? Is it like you actually care? I know that no one can understand my syndrome besides the ones who actually have it and then sometimes we don't understand what one another feels... but, how can someone who used to be your BEST FRIEND just all of the sudden fade away to a text once or twice a week and the, "oh sure! we'll hang out :) i miss you!" And then never try to hang out with me. Inviting me to watch a movie at your house with five other people just because I asked to spend time with you the week before, is NOT what I meant and you were my "best friend." You think you would know that. But I've been wrong about many things in my life. Loosing my two best friends to them dying was something I never imagined in my lifetime. But then meeting someone who was just like them both in one body and was there for me double the time they were. Now that was a shock. But, as everything seems to go in my life, I knew it was too good to be true. I am past your apologies, your text once a week. You know what I want? I want a friend who I can rely on. A friend that will be there for me no matter what I have or what I am faced with. Because, in fact, I am not as strong as you think I am. You ever thought that maybe you were my strength? Even though you'll never read this, I am happy that you have found friends you can hang out with at the drop of the hat. I will always remember the memories we made.

Kelli

The first of many blogs

So, I had a great idea after reading blog after blog last night. Create my own blog. Genius, right? I know. I have   had fibromyalgia since I was 13. The medical definition of fibromyalgia is, "a common syndrome in which a person has long-term, body-wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety." They say fibro is caused by a "traumatic experience" that happens to your body. Whether it be having a bed frame dropped on you (that's mine) to have too many vaccines from being in service for years or a terrible emotional experience that shook your life. Woman from ages 14-70 suffer from this horrible syndrome. And that's another thing about fibromyalgia. Its a syndrome not a disease. I made the mistake of calling a disease myself for many months but from many hours of research I spend on my illness I soon found out it was a syndrome. Fibromyalgia is not something they have all the answers for. In fact, they have no idea why that "traumatic experience" that happened causes or triggers this horrible chronic illness. Earlier I told you the medical definition of my illness. But I'm going to tell you what my best friend Jake used to say is "Kelli's definition of suck." Fibromyalgia for me is waking up every morning feeling like I ran a marathon the night before. Fibromyalgia for me is some days taking a shower and the pellets of water that comes out of the shower feeling like needles into my muscles. Fibromyalgia for me is being not being able to go to school all day. Fibromyalgia for me is looking my boyfriend of almost a year in the eye and telling him that my body is too sensitive to his touch that day and watching the look of disappointment rise on his face. You see, fibromyalgia is something I will/would never wish on my worst enemy. Although I do not regret the fact that I do have fibromyalgia. I have met some of the greatest people on this planet of suck and became great friends with them. If I didn't have this I would have never met those people that share the same experiences as I do.  I wish I didn't have this stupid disease but if it so is God's will for me to, then I will be dang if I don't make the best out of it.

Much love and less crappy days,
Kelli